Five Meme: He's Not Afraid Of Anything
by curi
Summary: Five Times Jayne Lost His Hat. Gen with hints of Jayne/River. Last edited 08/12.
1. Eins

This is a "Five Meme" response to toxic_corn's prompt.

_A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything.  
— Hoban Washburne, Firefly episode 12: "The Message"_

* * *

**Eins**

"But Cap'n!" a deep voice whined. It had once been slightly startling to hear such a petulant tone from such a large man, but Mal had got used to it.

He frowned at his mercenary. "Jayne, you look ridiculous—more ridiculous than normal," he corrected himself. "You tried that get-up before, remember, O Hero of Canton? Did it work then? No, it did not," Mal answered his own question smugly.

"But Mal, these here are pre-_ventative_ measures. If'n nobody here sees my face, then nobody here'll recognize me'r build me a statue'r write me a song'r nothin'," Jayne pleaded from deep inside the hood of his tan coat.

"He has got a point, sir," Zoe commented. "That statue was all manner of creepifying. Never got close myself, but heard it had eyes that followed a body everywhere." She looked at Jayne threateningly. "Of course, one could say the same's true of our little folk hero here. Can't seem to keep his eyes to himself these days."

Jayne grimaced. Mal growled. He'd forgotten that Jayne wasn't exactly a man with whom he could reason like civilized folk.

"Now listen here, Cobb. You _will_ remove that hood. You _will_ remove those goggles. Now. Before I cut them off. And I may not be terribly gentle-like, neither," the captain threatened.

"Please, Cap'n! What if—what if they—" Jayne's voice dropped to a whisper. "—_take a shine to me_?"

Mal and his first mate guffawed.

Jayne was miffed. "I'm a very attractive man, Cap'n, and they may not be able to keep their hands to themselves."

Zoe got control of her laughter long enough to wheeze, "Jayne Cobb, are you telling us that you're afraid of—" Here her voice began to waver with amusement. "—male Companions?"

Jayne was indignant. "Ain't afraid of nobody 'cept Reavers and my ma. Just don't like the idea of some little sly boy fallin' all over hisself fer me. Right embarrassin' and unmanly behavior, and I don't wanna hafta break no hearts."

By the end of the mercenary's speech, Mal and Zoe had collapsed into the chairs behind them, unable to catch their breath for laughing. The big man huffed and made to leave the kitchen, fingering his cap.

Just before Jayne crossed the threshold, the captain caught his breath and choked out a line that had the mercenary tearing off his disguise. "Inara said your outfit looks an awful lot like the costumes the boy-whores-in-training wear, Jayne. She said you were like to get all kinds of offers for the 'pleasure of your company' from some very wealthy men. Come to think of it, maybe that's not such a bad—"

Jayne had already fled for his bunk when Zoe looked at her boss in amusement. "You might regret that once Jayne _sees_ a few of those boys, sir."

Mal leaned back in his chair and rested his arms behind his head. "Zoe, someone once told me something very interesting about myself. Do you know what that was?"

Zoe lifted an eyebrow. "You're psychotic?"

Mal grinned. "Exactly."


	2. Zwei

**Zwei**

Oh, _shit_.

Literally. Shit. His favorite fedora was covered in it.

"All right, Mal," snarled Jayne from where he lay sprawled on the ground, his head pillowed by a steaming clump of manure. "That's the last time _you_ pick my horse."


	3. Drei

**Drei**

Jayne just had to have a new hat. He wouldn't wait, no matter how many times Zoe warned him that the merchants on this planet were known to treble the goods' worth.

So before they headed to the meet, the trio stopped in a swanky-looking haberdashery. To Zoe's surprise—and the captain's, too, if his gaping mouth was any indication—Jayne didn't quibble over the ridiculously high price. His new hat was quality, no mistake, but no headgear was ever worth that much money.

Zoe never did expect things would go as well as Mal always seemed to hope. Sure enough, not five minutes into their meeting they found themselves dodging bullets as they raced toward safety.

Jayne really should have known better than to spend so much money just before one of Mal's plans.

The bullet went through Jayne's hat, knocking it to the dusty earth where it was trampled underfoot. It was a miracle he hadn't been hit, the idiot. Still, it took some pretty creative persuasion on the captain's part to stop the mercenary from taking a stand against those who had cost him his new possession.

After losing their pursuers, they dropped the rented horses at the stable and walked the mile to _Serenity_. It was all Zoe could do to stop herself from rectifying the enemy shooter's error by putting a bullet of her own through the grumbling Jayne's brain.


	4. Vier

**Vier**

Kaylee paused in her stroll down the corridor. There it was again.

"Jayne?" she called into his bunk.

There was no answer, save several loud crashes and a number of inventive curses.

The next second, Kaylee was stumbling backwards as the huge man surged out of his quarters.

"Where is it?" he demanded angrily.

"Where's what, Jayne?" queried Kaylee, only slightly unnerved.

"My hat, Kaylee! My hat!"

The mechanic frowned. Maybe today had been too stressful for Jayne. He must have finally lost it all the way. "Jayne," she said slowly, "your hat done got plopped in a road apple. And then your other hat got all shot up. They ain't on _Serenity_ no more, _dong ma_?"

The mercenary looked at her as if _she_ were the one gone bibbledy.

"Kaylee, I don't know how much time you've been spendin' with Moonbrain, but it's obviously too much. I _know_ what happened to those hats. I'm the one _told_ you." Jayne seemed slightly concerned.

Kaylee was confused. "Well, what're you lookin' for then?"

His face went hard as he remembered. "Some low-down dirty deceiver done committed stealery on this here boat. My cunnin' hat's gone."


	5. Fünf

**Fünf**

It had been an awful bad day for Jayne Cobb. First he'd had to go out and show his face to a bunch of boy whores. Then his favorite cowboy hat had gotten _go se_ all over it. He'd bought a new one, but that flew off his head when Mal's deal went south—as usual—and they'd had to hightail it back to _Serenity_.

Then the hat Ma'd made him went missing.

For Jayne, that was the worst part of the whole day. He hadn't been lying when he told Mal he was afraid of Ma, but he loved her something fierce and that hat was gorram cunning _and_ all sorts of useful for when he was someplace cold.

More often than not these days, that place turned out to be _Serenity_, whose environmental regs had gone all sorts of unpredictable. Never got warm, though—just chilly, cold, or freeze-your-cod-in-a-meat-locker icy.

Made him wonder 'bout that time he'd sold his sperm to the fertility clinic. How many little half-Jaynes were runnin' around the 'verse? How many little Jaynes were still frozen, waitin' for a warm, wet home?

The very thought made him sad for his unloved DNA. And sad for himself and the genetic material he hadn't been able to deposit in a warm, wet home today—because there were no ruttin' _females_ in that God-forsaken pit of man-love!

A soft knock on the door of his bunk startled him from such ponderings. He let out a sigh.

"Who is it?" he snarled.

The quiet voice floated down. "She is River Tam. She would like to speak with you."

Jayne rolled his eyes and huffed in annoyance. "Well, get yer ass down here, then, girl, 'cause I ain't gonna waste my energy goin' to you."

The hatch swung open before Jayne could remember that he'd locked it against low-down dirty deceivers, and the doc's crazy sister's legs appeared on his ladder.

Huh. Those were very _female_ legs.

And those were very, very female hips.

That tummy? Female.

Those breasts? _Wo de ma_, those belonged to a woman. That was definitely woman hair tumbling around her—

Wait a minute. That was orange yarn. Knitted into a cunnin' hat with warm, fuzzy earflaps. Jayne stuttered in his anger.

"River is very sorry for appropriating your homemade apparel, Jayne Cobb." Jayne opened his mouth to spit out something snarky, but the girl—_woman_—untrustworthy female—kept talkin'. "This boat was very, very cold today after she finished cleansing her _very_ dirty body," she said, tracing her silhouette.

Jayne gulped as River's eyes met his own.

"She did not want to catch pneumonia from wet hair in the cold, Jayne, and she was needed to direct _Serenity_'s motions—to lift her high, high into the air with her very soft hands." The girl mimed stroking a joystick. Jayne was worried about _his_ joystick. "So she borrowed your soft, warm, dry hat. She hopes you will forgive her for her _naughty_ behavior." She was practically _purring_!

Jayne's body—most especially parts lower—stiffened (further) as River made to step closer to him and return his beloved hat. "No!" His voice came out raspy, so he swallowed and tried again. "No. No, uh… That's okay. You—you go ahead and keep it. Hell, yer own Ma never made ya nothin' so nice, I bet."

He felt his body warm as the gi—_woman_—graced him with a beatific smile. Before he could think, she had leaped to his side, dropped a kiss to his cheek, and scrambled from his bunk, calling behind her, "Thank you for this gift, Jayne Cobb! She hopes you will find warm and wet tonight!"

Jayne ran for the shower, too distracted to be sad at the loss of so many hats.


End file.
